The title is misleading. I don’t think we even have champagne flutes at the wedding. Honestly, I forget what’s on the menu. I know it’s food, and we ordered a lot, and my dad said that no we didn’t need to cut costs by using paper plates (which, for the record, was my vote). I feel very much like an anti-bride. A week ago, someone asked me when the wedding was, and I had to say, “Uh…. Ah…. In August? Right! August 21st! August 21st!” My friends laughed, and I covered my tracks by saying “Well, I’m more excited for the marriage than the wedding.” This was and is true – a wedding is just a party for a day, marking the end of a long, painful period of long distance dating that neither of us wants to replicate. But spending the rest of my life with the greatest friend and adventure buddy, not to mention most handsome and romantic and sexy man on earth! Seriously, look at him! And I get to marry him! Not only that, he wants to marry me too! He asked first, in fact 😉
But I digress. As the wedding gets closer, I catch myself almost feeling resentful of talking about it. Another contrast between St. Louis and Spokane: in St. Louis, people would ask how I was, how work was going, how Jonáš was doing. Here, people ask about how the wedding planning is going. Cultural difference? Maybe. Being friendly and nice? CERTAINLY! And I am honored and touched that they care about what’s going on in my life, and want to ask about it and wish me well. Thank you, to everyone who’s asked and congratulated, it really means a lot. Those of you who are coming to the wedding, Jonáš and I are truly honored by your love and care for us. I mean it 🙂
It’s just… different than I thought it would be.
I actively did NOT want to get married so vehemently, that it was truly a miracle of God through Jonáš that I even got engaged. So many places to travel to, so many valuable people to meet and share life with, so many directions to go in my career, settling down for one long-term relationship didn’t seem reasonable. Yet here we are, Jonáš didn’t fall out of love with me six weeks after we started dating, and by December of 2012 I couldn’t imagine my life without him. The best and most meaningful relationships are the ones that you personally have to orchestrate very little, the ones which you fight for the most with the most resultant gratification, the ones that change you the most, and the ones that change your own world the most for the better. Reason has some to do with it, but there’s a fair bit of shoulder-shrugging. Why do I love Jonáš? For his huge heart, his warmth, his sense of humor, the passion with which he serves those around him, for his easygoing and happy-go-lucky nature…for our compatibility, for the way he respects me and is loyal to me…. but moreover, just because he is who he is, and he’s the only one that’s just like him, and that makes him the most precious and valuable Jonáš that there ever was, and I don’t want to let such a gift get lost.
Yeah, yeah, 20-year-old me. I’m taking your borderline feminazi rants from your little soapbox, and kindly telling you to stick them where the sun don’t shine. You were wrong. Just wait till you meet this guy, then you’ll see where I’m coming from.
Even for how much I’ve changed, when people’s first response to seeing me is to ask about the wedding, it’s hard to fight thoughts like this: There’s so much else I’ve done in the last few years, there’s so much more about the world that is so interesting to talk about, not to mention what’s going on in the world and our country, I could take or leave the wedding. For example, this summer alone, I’ve worked with these gorgeous kids teaching them English every day!
Look! She drew me!
And seriously, that kid in the middle cracks me up every day!
They have fascinating families, and talents, they draw beautifully, and they’re funny, and they each have their own stories and personalities – let’s talk about them! And I could talk your ear off about Gaby and Sam, and Jay’La, and Brayan, and Tyon, and Erica, and Antonio, and all the kids I worked with in St. Louis who I still miss like they were my own kiddos. They will be changing the world and overcoming stereotypes and a world that wants to look down on them. And they’re so smart and wonderful, but so many people will just blow past them because they’re black or wear “gangster” clothes or talk with an accent or celebrate Eid, or all of the above. I could talk for hours about them!
Even looking at my own life, the wedding barely makes it onto my personal roster of current events, if I’m honest. I left a city where I fought for my place and came to adore the people just a few weeks ago. Moving is a loss that you have to mourn, and I’m still mourning my loves there. I moved back to a city where I have fewer common experiences with the people, and many close friends live far away, and thus I feel like a stranger amongst familiar faces. I’m realizing just how much I’ve changed in six years, much of my worldview and perspective. Speaking of the world… I have to plan the logistics of a move across the world, to a new culture and a town where I will be the only native English speaker. I don’t know a single other person who has been in my exact situation, and I don’t even know how to mentally or emotionally prepare myself. I’m getting a crash course in a new career path right now, in class and teaching 8 hours a day for four weeks. I love it, I love my kid s and enjoy my peers, but in 5 days I’ll be saying goodbye all over again. In short, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what’s swirling around me. And yes, there is a whole slew of wedding stressors that I find myself trying to ignore, but I can’t really, because I’m the top in the chain of command and there’s only four weeks left. Marriage is wonderful, and the goal of our serious relationship, and my new life will be an exciting adventure, and I’ll get to travel, and learn new languages, and be with my love and all that, and that will be exciting, but I can’t always remind myself of that. I’m not omniscient. Pardon the crassness, but my knee-jerk response to stress or emotions is to get mad and combative, so this is how I feel about wedding planning much of the time:
(source: Google Images, keywords <pissed off bride>)
The funny thing is, when Jonáš and I had a heart to heart about what was on both of our mind, we shared a moment that went like this:
“I’m sorry… I love you and I want to be married to you, but right now, I could not care less about this stupid wedding.”
“Yeah… Me too.”
“Wait, really? You too?”
“Yeah… I can’t wait to see you, and I can’t wait to be done with this stupid long distance. Just a few more weeks, we can make it. And I know it will be a beautiful wedding, and we’ll be ok.”
I think the fact that we’re on the same page even at a low point in our relationship is a good sign that we’re right for each other, and even the wedding planning will be worth all the times I want to hit my head on the wall. So I guess, like many things in life, my response to wedding planning and how I’m doing is both F.I.N.E. (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional) and F.I.N.E. (First-rate, Impressive, Not bad, and Exceptional). And it’s probably fine and reasonable that it’s more the first kind sometimes.
¿quévalemás? 